When I was 13, I never thought I would live to see a day past 16. I thought that my disorders would take me by then. I figured I’d be gone because at that point I had no reason to live.
August 14th was my half birthday. I have lived 4 and a half more years than I ever thought I would. And to me that is crazy. This just proves the amazingness of God. God is so good I can’t even begin to explain.
Suicide is not a light topic and it’s not a topic I talk about lightly. I am very open and honest with the fact that I have been suicidal. What I don’t talk about is the fact that I did attempt multiple times. Obviously I am still here so they didn’t work. And truthfully my mom had no clue even as she passed away that it ever happened. I don’t talk about it much.
When I was 13 and 14 I was lost. I don’t know how to describe it better than that. I probably was not a good person to be around. I was letting the world dictate my life. I was letting the bullies win. I was letting those who should have had no say in my life had a say. I was not living for God. In fact at this time, I was very much angry with and blaming Him.
Even after I started truly following God when I was 14, I was still really struggling. I can still remember obsessing over food. I can still remember the pain I felt that lead me into self harm. I still remember the feelings I had. I still remember a lot of the negative things that were said to me. It wasn’t until my 16th birthday did I really decide to start fighting and start living. Before then I was just surviving.
Life was not and has not been the easiest on me. But here I am 4 and a half years later still breathing and now spreading the Word of life and trying to end the stigma on mental health. God can do amazing things in your life once you let Him.
I’ve had bumps in the road. I had a time when I stopped really reading my bible, going to church, talking to my friends from the church. But I think we all experience that. I had to fight to come back to church. I had to fight my anxiety. I had to fight the lies.
If you would have told me when I was 13 or 14 that I would be halfway to my 21st birthday and being a devoted christian I probably either would’ve laughed in your face and said yeah right or I would break down crying because at that point I could barely handle another day.
Mental health is a big part of my story. It has helped shaped me into who I am. Without my mental health struggles, I don’t think I would be as close to God as I am. But now I don’t let it define me.
When I was younger, I felt like I was defined by my actions. I remember my sophomore year of high school, I was walking down the hall during class and this group of people yelled cutter towards me. I remember people calling me goth and emo. At school, I was known as that kid who made weird sounds and movements. Everything I did or had seemed to define me. And this made it hard. I didn’t want to be defined by these things. These were not my identity.
I didn’t know who I was when I was 13 and 14 but truthfully does anyone. Now I still struggle with my identity but instead of knowing who I am, I know whose I am. And that matters more. I am learning to figure out who I am currently. It’s a journey long awaited for.
4 and a half years. That’s a lot of time and a lot of things have happened. I would never have made it without God. I would have never made it without some of the people who was and still are in my life. Without these people and God, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. I never would have made it. There is no way I would have. I had no hope, no purpose, no motivation. I was not living.
But now, now I am truly living. I am living for the One who knows me. I am living for the One who saved my soul. I am living for the One who rescued me. I am living for the One who calls me His own.
These past 4 and a half years have been tough. And sometimes I wish they had looked differently but I wouldn’t be where I am at without them so for that I am grateful. I am grateful for my struggles. I am most grateful for God getting me through, fighting my battles, rescuing me, and being by my side.
It’s only been in the last couple of months do I feel like I was really fighting. It took a long time to get there. I may be struggling with something now, but I will keep fighting. God wants us to fight. He is fighting alongside us.
Today is a fresh start. Today you get to choose who you listen to, what defines you, and if you fight or just survive. Today you get to choose whether you will follow God or not. Today you get to decide if your life is worth saving or not. (News flash, your life is very much worth saving. Please do not give up.)
Stay strong and hold onto hope.
Madison Rae <3
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