I couldn’t think of anything to write. Well actually that’s a lie. I thought about a lot of things I could write about it’s just a matter of if I was ready to talk about it. I was thinking of doing a post on BPD which I barely talk about at this moment. I could write about what I’ve been learning from God. I could write about having a bad ticing day yesterday. I could write about a lot of things. So I think this post will just be a jumbled post of different thoughts like the one I did months ago. Here’s a little peek inside my brain.
Yesterday was a hard day with my tics. It was not fun. If you haven’t notice, my tics haven’t been bad yesterday. That was not the case yesterday. There was a lot of stress at work and then I was stressing about impact team night at my church once my tics started acting up. I always feel bad being at the church when my tics get bad because I feel like a distraction. I feel like I am just messing with everyone else’s time there and then I have a hard time focus. Now you would definitely have a hard time focusing too if your head was constantly moving and your mouth making noise. You would get frustrated and discouraged.
I get discouraged a lot when I go to church and my tics are bad. I get so frustrated. This is my safe place. This is the place I feel at home. Why are my tics always bad? There’s a lot of answers to that but one could be I'm worried about what others will think which causes anxiety which causes them to get worse. It’s hard for people who have not been around my for some time to handle my tics sometimes. Some of the new people I’ve talked to at the church, have never seen my have bad tics because lately they’ve been in line. They aren’t used to them and that’s okay. I wouldn’t be used to them either if I had just or barely met this person. Now at work, we keep getting new people or they’ve been in line that not everyone knows I have Tourette syndrome. I am constantly still having to tell people that I have Tourette.
My tics often discourage me when they are bad but just like everything else, you have good and bad days with it. Yesterday just happened to be a bad day. The first really bad day with them in a very long time. And that’s okay. Yes it royally sucked but I expect to still have those days. I’m not immune to bad days. I have bad days with things just like everyone else.
Let’s talk BPD. I usually don’t write out what that means. And there’s a reason. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized mental health disorders out there. One common misconsumption is that the person with BPD is manipulative. There are even therapists who believe this and refuse to treat people with BPD. There’s a lot of people who are scared of people with BPD. Here’s some facts about BPD. People who have it are more likely to self harm or attempt suicide. 75% of the people with BPD are women. People with BPD are more likely (81%) to have experienced childhood trauma. People who BPD are not intentionally attention seeking. In one way or another, they learned that being in crisis mode is the only time people will love them. This leads them to live “closer to the edge” in order to get their needs met. This is the way they have learned to have their needs met.
Why am I talking about borderline personality disorder? Good question. You’ve probably seen me mention it briefly in other blog posts but back in January, when I was inpatient, I learned that my psychiatrist had put in my chart that I had an unspecified personality disorder. At this time I had done a little research into BPD and felt like it could be something I had. The next time I saw my psychiatrist, I brought it up and we came to the conclusion that I fit a lot of the criteria. So in January, I was diagnosed with BPD. Now that doesn’t make me any different then I was before. I am the same Madison I was before the diagnoses. I just have an answer to why I feel the way I do and that’s great.
People with borderline personality disorder don’t mean to be manipulative. It can come off that way. I’m terrified of coming off as manipulative. That is never my intention. And sometimes I feel like I come off that way. This is the last thing I want to be. I am not manipulative and I am definitely not an attention seeker. These are the biggest stereotypes of people who have BPD and I can tell you that most of the people don’t want to come off that way. Honestly most of the time when we come off that way, it’s because of our intense fear of abandonment. I know I struggle a lot with this with the people I am close to. It makes me scared to get close to people because I feel like at any moment they would leave and I would never hear from them again and it breaks my heart. Every time someone leaves my life, even if they were meant to be in there for only a season, I get really discouraged and I usually try to push everyone away so I don’t have to deal with that emotion again. Intense fear of abandonment will make you do things you never thought you would. This is why people with borderline personality disorder are considered manipulative.
People with BPD are human too. We put our pants on one leg at a time. We eat one bite at a time. We are just like you. Our brain is just a little different and that’s okay.
Let’s talk about what God has been teaching me. So, I just got done reading Hebrews a couple of days ago. I loved it. I had never read through the entire book of Hebrews. It was super good. I learned a bunch of things and was reminded of things. One thing is that Jesus was tempted with everything. He was tempted so that He could help us through our struggles. He is there right beside you as you are struggling cheering you on and helping you get through.
I was reminded that God’s word is living and it can tear you apart like a two edged sword. What I mean by that last part is that there is probably something in the bible that will offend or convict you. This is not to condemn you but to open your eyes and bring you closer to God.
There was things that reminded me that Jesus is hope, God is just, and Jesus is the better covenant. Things like God is faithful is important. A reminder that faith is things that are unseen and that faith is key. Faith is what you need in Jesus Christ and God to get to Heaven. There’s reminders that God will never leave or forsake you and that we should always be praising Him.
Hebrews was really good. I think I am going to read 1 Peter next and I am excited. I am loving getting into the word daily. I encourage you to try it too.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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