I have been in official eating disorder recovery for a little over a year now. Before the end of last November, I relapsed severely in my eating disorder and couldn’t and kinda chose not to choose recovery for about 5 months. I was choosing to stay in my eating disorder rather than recovery by not choosing to choose recovery.
It took me months to choose recovery last year. Part of my problem was that it felt so familiar that trying to get out of it was really hard. I wanted to get better but there was still a part of me that didn’t want to get better. Part of me was “thriving” while struggling once again with my eating disorder. I was thriving in the sense of chaos and living in my mental health disorder rather than living a life for God. I was stuck in the cycle of my eating disorder and didn’t know how to get out.
A few years ago at church the pastor said something that stuck with me. He basically said that you will not change your sin and behaviors until you are disgusted by them. That tells me that even though I didn't really want to be struggling, I wasn't disgusted enough by it to stop it.
What helped me to stop it?
Well I lost about 40 lbs in 3-4 months and that wasn’t great and I could tell I was going down a really bad path. I did start to go to treatment at this place but it really wasn’t helpful so I stopped going there and went back to my original therapist. When I had to talk about food throughout the whole session, it was triggering. Food in general is a hard topic with me because of me being so picky and it just makes me uncomfortable because growing up, all my family really seemed to do was talk about weight and food especially when I was a teenager.
Because I realized I was going down a slippery slope, I decided to step up and figure out what I could do. Also this is when I was starting at target. I did not want to have to quit my job if I got too weak or sick from not eating enough or other things. I did not want the first thing they learned about me to be that I have an eating disorder. I did not want that judgement on me right away. I started to struggle at walmart with this because I just wasn’t happy and it wasn’t a great environment for me. It was really toxic so staying in my eating disorder gave me a sense of control.
I went from walking 12,000-15,000 steps to 16,000-30,000 steps a day which helped me get more active. This helped me feel a little better about eating more. I wanted to take care of myself because Target was somewhere I could see myself moving up in if it was something I enjoyed and was a good environment and having an active eating disorder is not great for that.
I also was just frustrated with myself. I wasn’t happy living this way. I was pretty miserable. I was not really living. I was barely surviving day to day. I was just on autopilot. I was going through the motions. I hate living like that. I get irritated that I was living that way and needed to change.
Another thing that helped was remembering that my body is a temple of God and I should not be doing things to harm it. I should be taking care of it to the best of my ability, not basically destroying it. I was destroying my body. I was doing things that could have had long term effects. I was doing things that could cause a lot of damage. This was not okay and I have spent a lot of time with God about this.
What does life look like now with being in recovery?
I choose daily to eat. I choose daily to nourish my body rather than deplenish the nutrients it needs. I choose to take care of my body rather than do things that could destroy it.
When I moved out things changed a little bit. I no longer had any kind of accountability when it came to food. I live by myself and it’s not like my cats can really say anything. I was worried when moving out that relapsing would be a big possibility. So far it has actually gone really well. I generally eat my normal amount which is 2 meals with snacks in between. I don't generally eat breakfast. I will sometimes eat something at work like poptarts or cereal or chips depending on if I brought my lunch that day and what is in it.
I do still battle with some negative body image but it has gotten a lot better. I have talked about this before, I do not practice body positivity. I practice body acceptance. I have worked really hard on accepting my body for what it is and for the fact that it keeps me alive and going. I am working on accepting it for it’s flaws and stuff even on the hard days.
I workout. I do not overdo it. I generally will go to the gym and run a half mile to a mile and then do the elliptical for 20-30 minutes. Sometimes I will come home and do a small home workout like stretching and stuff. Sometimes I’ll do the bike for like 10 minutes. I do it based on how I am feeling that day and what I want to do. I try to not force myself to do more than I feel up to doing. I want to have a healthy relationship with exercise so I listen to my body.
I pretty much eat whatever I want. I work on doing this thing called intuitive eating which is basically listening to my body for what it wants like hot, cold, sweet, salty, etc. This has helped me a lot in learning how to listen to my body. Listening to my body has been a huge thing and I am glad to be getting better at it!
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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