Today we sang a song called “Great Are You Lord” by All Sons and Daughters. We have sang this song for a while. I can remember singing it in youth group years ago. I kinda think it was being sang when I was going to M1.
Anyway some of the lyrics really hit me today. These lyrics say “you give hope, you restore, every heart that is broken.” If you know my story, you know I was a little broken when I was younger. Okay a lot broken but aren’t we all? These lyrics hit different today.
When I needed hope, God was there. The night that was supposed to be my last, God showed up. He said I’m not done with you yet. He showed me He was real. He showed me He was good and that He was love.
Throughout the past 6 years, God has been restoring my heart little by little. Things like giving me the will to live. To giving me hope. To showing me people cared. To putting people in my life when I needed them who cared. To letting me hit recovery milestones in different things. To showing me my passions. To allowing me to find things worth living for. To showing me I don’t want to give up. I may not always enjoy what is going on in my life, but I do NOT want to give up.
God chooses daily to put the breathe in my lungs. God chooses daily to give me a heart beat. God chooses daily to let me live. I need to be choosing God daily. This is not a decision I take lightly. At one point I had no will to live. Honestly I felt like there was nothing worth living for. God showed me that night that He is worth living for.
I didn’t know what my life was going to look like. I didn’t know how long it was going to be until I wanted to give up again. I didn’t know how long it would be until I gave up on myself again. But in that moment, I choose to let go and let God.
God has been restoring this heart that was shattered, completely broken, ever since I gave my heart to Him. And I would not undo that for a moment. Even in the moments that were hard while following Him, I wouldn’t undo giving my heart to Him. This was the best decision I ever made. This is the decision that changed my life. This is the decision that made me want to keep my life.
My life looks a lot different now then it did then. My faith looks a lot different too. I don’t realize know how to describe my faith back then. It wasn’t look warm but it wasn’t mature either. Yes I was diving into my bible, but most of the time I stayed in the little bubble I made. And God should not be put in a bubble.
After my bout of not really living for the Lord in 2018, my faith started to look different. I started to take it more serious. I started to really learn about God and Jesus and how to live a life He would want me to learn. I started to have more understanding of God.
One thing that was hard for me when I came back was letting myself get lost in my faith again. I was scared that God wouldn’t want me. I messed up. I did things I shouldn’t have done. I acted ways I shouldn’t have and I said things that shouldn’t have been said. I didn’t understand once again why God would want someone who messed up, turned away, and didn’t have it together.
That is exactly when God wants you. God wants you when you are the most broken. He wants the real you. He doesn’t want some fake version of yourself that you put on for everyone else. God wants the real you. God wants you to come to Him when you are at your lowest and at your highest. God wants you no matter where you are at, where you were, or what you have done. God just wants you.
Tonight I talked to someone who was a leader when I was in the student ministries. I haven’t talked to her much since I moved up tp 1824. It was really nice to get to talk to her. My life looks so much different now. There’s nothing new in my life but everything is new in my life. My faith was renewed when I came back to God in 2018. I’m happier. I don’t have panic attacks like I was when I was in student ministries. I can sit through a service now. (1824 can be rough because of my tics but I still can be there and stay in the same room. It was not like that towards the end of my time in student ministries.) I have a huge love for God’s word and hunger for it daily. I hunger for God’s presence. It’s the only presence I need.
I’m not the same person I was when I was in student ministries. My heart isn’t as broken. My life isn’t falling apart as much. My faith is better. I’m more secure in who I am and who I am in Christ. I’ve grown a lot in the past couple of years. I’m not who I was. And sometimes that scares me.
I thought who I was when I was younger was closer to who I was meant to be. I was very wrong. Yes I am still kinda like her, but I am so much different. There are some aspects of my life that are pretty close to the exact same, and I’m working on it. But barely any of my life looks like it did.
I am becoming proud of the person I am becoming. This time I am not letting the world define who I am. I am slowly coming out more and more as to who I really am. An example of this would be during worship at church. I used to just stand there, scared of what people would think if I moved a lot because it was “different”. Y’all during worship now, I can’t stand still very well. I am letting my heart worship now. I am letting my true self come out, not who I think others want me to be. Sometimes I get so excited and overjoyed that I feel like I smile like an idiot. Do you know why I smile like an idiot? Because my God is good, He is alive, and He saved me. And if that doesn’t cause you to be overjoyed, I don’t know what will.
True joy comes from God and I am so happy to be getting my joy from the Lord. The joy from the Lord is life long and not fleeting. Happiness is fleeting.
Remember, God is good even when it doesn’t feel good. He loves you. The joy of the Lord is the best feeling you can have. God is there with you.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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