Lately it has been a really rough season of life. Learning to navigate life without my mom has been interesting. I have a lot of days where I want to tell her something and think that when I come home she’s gonna be there. It’s usually after work.
I wanted to tell her how we hired 3 new people and one of them goes to the church. I wanted to tell her how excited I was that Trae invited me to her wedding and talk it out with her about whether or not I was gonna go. Last night I wanted nothing more than for her to be home when I got back from Trae’s wedding and tell her that my boss was really happy I went to her wedding and how she was bragging about me to all the vanity girls and talking about how i am a hard worker. How I think I have finally done something right.
Here’s the thing, I can tell her, she just wont respond and I know that. But I wish I could have one more conversation with her. I wish i could hear her voice one more time. The voicemail I have from her is great but it was her when she was in the hospital and not in her right mind. It still means a lot because I have something that has her voice that I can listen to but it’s not the same.
Life will never be the same and that is okay. Life is not meant to be the same after you lose someone who was super close to you. Life is going to look different and that is okay. What is not okay is giving up because of it. Part of the tattoo I got for my mom is a semicolon. A semicolon stands for when an author could have ended their sentence but didn’t. People use it in the sense of suicide like when someone could have ended their life but didn’t. It’s a reminder that I can’t give up no matter how enticing it is or how much I want to.
God has shown me a lot of who He is in the past few weeks. He has shown me that He gives you people who care about you in your life that will be there when it gets hard. He has shown me that when you go to Him, you get a special kind of peace. He has shown me that He is the ultimate comforter and He will always be there and comfort you. He has shown how He loves.
Through one of the hardest things in my life, God has really shown up and showed me who He was. He’s showed me that He doesn’t just give up when it gets tough. He stays. He will always stay.
I’m always scared that the people in my life are going to leave me. Usually I push them away to make them leaving easier. But it’s different with God. He isn’t going to just leave. I can push Him away all I want and He is still going to be there. I can come to Him yelling and kicking and screaming yet He is not going to leave me.
Our God is the God that stays!
<3
Madison Rae
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