These last few months I have just wanted to give up. Yup I really wanted to give up in more ways then one and probably not how you’re expecting.
I have wanted to give up at work. I changed jobs in April because Justice closed and I needed something. God opened the door for me to work at walmart as a personal shopper in the online grocery department. I was thankful for getting a job so quick after applying and looking for one.
The thing is is that I don’t think I knew that it would be harder work then I was used to. It’s a lot more physical than I was expecting and more than I’ve ever done. I grew to just tolerate my job. Then came my headaches. The past couple of months I have been having severe headaches again. I usually have some kind of headache everyday now varying in intensity. The past couple of months, I have been missing a lot of days because of this. I was worried that if it started out as a slight headache it would grow into a severe one so I wouldn’t go in due to that fear.
In reality I know I should’ve still been going. I should’ve been trying harder to keep going to work but regardless I missed a lot of days and that’s not like me. The week before last I missed a lot of days because of this. I just wanted to give up. I felt like why should I keep going and have this job if I’m just going to keep calling off and not going in. I knew that wasn’t fair to them and that I needed to be more reliable.
On Wednesday of last week I had a stern talking to myself. I evaluated what was going on and really sat and figured out what was going on. While reading scripture the days before, things kept hitting me hard. I wasn’t intentionally being lazy but by missing those days I was being lazy. I was being deceitful by saying I would be there and then not going in.
In proverbs 20:11 it says “even a young man is known by his actions by whether his behavior is pure and upright.” Colossians 3:23 says “work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” There’s more verses I could find but here are two that kinda hit me.
Whatever we do, we should be doing it for the Lord. That includes work. I should not be focused on working for my managers but I should be focused on bringing God glory through my actions at work. Our actions are what we will be known for. My actions recently of not showing up for work is not what I want to be known for. I don’t want to be known for being unreliable. I want to be known for being dependable at work, being a hard worker, and for being positive and kind. These are things I want to be known for at work. My actions the past couple of weeks have not led to that.
These last 5 days though, I was working for God. I asked God to give me strength on Wednesday to get through my work week and He gave it to me. I worked harder this week then I ever have. I was striving to show God through me. I was striving to show yes I messed up but I will make it right. They have given me grace I don’t deserve. I want to show them that that grace was worth it and that they can rely on me. I worked really hard because I wasn’t focused the whole time I’m trying to prove myself to my bosses. Yes I was partly doing it for that to show that I deserve a spot on the ogp team. But I was doing it to show the amazing things that God can do when He gives you strength.
I think I got my pick rate up the past week to the best it’s ever been. I will know that on Sunday for my pick rate for this week. I strived to show that God’s strength is the best strength and through Him you can do anything. I was striving to be a light and to be known for my actions. I want to be known as someone who is reliable and hard working. I want to be known for being kind and a light. I want to be known as someone who did not give up when things got hard.
Here is something I have avoided to talk about because I don’t know how it is going to be perceived and I was worried what people would thing. I relapsed in disordered eating. Things got hard and I slipped into it when I wasn’t paying attention. This happened in July. I am still dealing with it and its now almost October. It is hard. I don’t know how many times I wonder what my life would look like if I just gave up trying to get better and just let my disordered eating take over my life. (News flash, this is not what God would want me to do. He wants me to fight as He is fighting along side me.) But recovery is hard. And there’s a lot of triggers that trigger me to want to just stay in this place. But it’s not worth it. It’s not life giving. And it’s not healthy. I am finally getting help for it. I am going to an eating disorder therapist and meet with the medical doctor and dietician next week. This multiple year long battle with disordered eating is finally hopefully going to be conquered in the right way and I am not trying to do it alone.
I almost gave up at work because things got hard. I have almost given up recovery because it is hard. I heard a quote this weekend at church. It was “hard isn’t wrong. Hard is just hard.” This hit me. I was always taught that hard was bad. That you did not want to deal with hard things. But hard is a part of life. We need to expect hard things to happen. Putting my cat down was hard, pushing through work this week with headaches was hard, losing mom last year was hard, taking a friend who was having suicidal thoughts to the hospital was hard, dealing with severe mental illness was hard. So many hard things in the past thing. But the thing is is that it wasn’t wrong to be dealing with these things. It was just dealing with hard things. Nothing wrong with dealing with hard things.
This week at church, they talked about finding your why. There’s a lot of reasons why I should not give up at work. I should not give up at work because I do need to make a living in order to stay afloat and not be in a place where I cannot sustain myself financially. I need to go to work so I can save up for my trip in February to California so I can have a good time. I need to go to work in order to have money just in case something comes up (like a huge vet bill from testing and euthanasia). I need to choose recovery because God would want me to choose life. God gives up between life and death and wants us to choose life. I heard this somewhere but it was “if you are not recovering, then you are dying”. Eating disorders kill. Eating disorders are the mental health illness that kills the most people. I need to choose life. I want to choose recovery because even thought I don’t always like where I’m at in life and what my life looks like, I want to be here to see what my future looks like. I need to choose recovery to become healthy. I need to choose recovery to show God’s strength and what you can overcome with it. I want to choose recovery so I can still be around my friends and family. I want to choose recovery so I can spread the Word of God and be a light.
I have a lot of why’s.
What do you want to give up on right now but know you should endure?
What are your why’s?
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
Comments