One Year Ago

One year ago today I was put inpatient for the very first time. I feel like this would be a good day to really talk about the last year. I didn’t really go into much detail on my 2020 and 2021 post because I knew there was a lot I wanted to say and thought this would be a better day.

First off, I feel like this needs to be said, when I was put inpatient last year it was not because I was actively suicidal or planning to commit. It was because I was having suicidal ideation and it had just gotten to a level it hadn’t been in years. I was not actively planning something. I have not been actively suicidal since I was 14.

THis day last year was one of the lowest points I had been in in a very long time. It was familiar but unfamiliar. I knew where I was heading. I just didn’t want to admit it. In fact I think the day before I had a therapy appointment and didn’t tell my therapist anything. I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t understand how I could be doing all the right things and still be at a very low point. I was reading my bible, listening to worship, talking to fellow believers, attending church, it just didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t completely make sense now but I know it will be used for God’s glory.

I was inpatient for 4 and a half days. I went in on a Tuesday and I got out the following Saturday. The first place I wanted to go? My church. I needed to be there. That’s the only place I wanted to be in that moment because that's where my hope comes from. My hope comes from God. When I was inpatient, I took my bible and spent time reading it daily and journaling. I think I was going through Romans and another book. I never actually finished it. Those were a very long 4 and a half days. They started 7/7:30 in the morning with breakfast. Then I would crash by 8 at night because they changed one of my meds and for the first monthish I was tired soon after taking it and could barely stay awake.

After I got out of being inpatient, I would love to say everything got better but it really didn't. I started an intensive outpatient program and did that for the next 2-3 weeks until I left for California. California was amazing and just what I needed at that moment. I needed to be away from everything I was struggling with here. Sometimes a change of scenery is exactly what I need.

When I got back, it took a few days but I was back in a really low place. There was so much going on in my brain that I didn’t understand. I tried really hard to stay close to God but I think I was trying too hard to get Him to just magically fix my problems. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you have to go through the fire to come out on the other side. I thought I was on my way to another inpatient stay. I was getting bad again. (For the record, being inpatient did nothing but take me out of my situation and let me reset for a few days. It helped but didn’t at the same time.)

That’s when April hit. In the first week of April, one day I woke up and didn’t feel the weight of depression on me. I actually felt happy and it was a feeling I was very unfamiliar with because I hadn’t felt it in a very long time. This was a very weird feeling. I could not remember the last time I did not have that weight on me. Like yes in 2019 there was a couple months it wasn't as heavy but it was still there. This was the first time that it was gone. I didn’t know what to do.

A few months later that weight came back in a different way. It came back in the form of an eating disorder. I didn’t necessarily feel depressed but I also wasn’t all smiles and giggles either. It took me a couple months to get past it but now I am better.

Then hit the end of October, beginning of November. I started a new job. I hate starting new jobs. There’s always a slight fear about what will happen when they learn I have tourette syndrome. There’s always a fear of will this set me back. But this time it did not set me back. It propelled me. I started my job October 29th.

By the end of november, I felt truly happy again. A feeling so unfamiliar I can only barely remember it when I was a child and being called a gigglebox. I had true joy for the first time in I don’t honestly know how long. By the end of October, I got a grasp on my eating disorder and was doing better. This time was different then the last time I “gave up” my eating disorder. This time I have the support of people I can go to if I need it. This time I can truly feel God working.

My confidence level has gone up a ton to say the least. I don’t always feel like I have to be a quiet person. In fact, I’ve learned that I love to talk. If you would have told me that I love to talk back in January of last year, I would've looked at you like you were crazy, especially if you told me that I learned to talk to people quickly at work that I did not know. That would have been so foreign to me.

I think that around this time last year might have been one of the times that I was the most quiet. I didn’t talk much. I felt this weight of depression and it was crushing me. Now I literally will talk to anyone at work who will talk to me. I love talking to people and am building relationships at work. To say that is an improvement from before is an understatement.

Here’s the thing, I could not have done any of this without God. God is the only reason I have true joy. Only God can truly give us joy and it’s joy when we look for Him and go to Him for everything instead of this world. He gives us true joy when we rely on Him instead of this world.

Joy is an amazing feeling. It’s actually a fruit of the spirit. That means anyone who is in Christ can feel what true joy feels like. Anyone is Christ can show people the true joy that it is to follow Christ because there is no greater joy than that.

This past year was a whirlwind and I am sure that wasn’t just for me. But it was so cool to see how God redeemed what started out as one of the worst years I have had in a while and have it end as one of the best in terms of my mental health.

God is good. Nothing you go through is useless. God will use everything you have gone through. Everything has a purpose. You may not know it yet but God does. My hope is that one day my story will be able to help others learn the love of Christ and that just because you struggle with mental health doesn't mean you can’t be a strong and loyal christian. I want people to know that there is hope even if you are in the lowest of lows or darkest of valleys.

Hold onto hope and stay strong.

Madison Rae <3