I have decided to try and do a new series on my blog about song lyrics. I am going to go through a song and share lyrics from it, what it means to me or what I get out of it, and, when I can, relating even secular songs back to the Bible.
The first song I have decided to do is called The Grey by Icon For Hire. This was one of the first songs I have ever heard from them and now they are one of my favorite bands now. A lot of their lyrics have to do with mental health and as most of you know, that is something I do struggle with daily.
Just a disclaimer. Some of the lyrics throughout this series might be a little heavy. Most of the lyrics that have to do with mental health can hit a little deeper and can be heavier to people who do not struggle or relate to it.
Without further ado, here we go.
I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away.
I am letting myself look the other way.
And the hardest part in all of this is,
I don’t think I know my way back home.
Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here?
How cold have I become?
I didn’t want to
Lose you by what I’d done
Caught in the grey
Okay so this is the first verse and the chorus.
This gives me a little bit of prodigal son story vibes. The son left to follow his own ways. He ran away from his father because he wanted to go his own way. With mental health sometimes you start to withdraw and live differently. Depending on how hard you struggle, you may find yourself having to make a decision between do I continue to go off the deep end and run away, or do I go back and get the help I need to return back to as much of a stable life of living you can live.
The son had to make a choice. He didn’t feel like he was worthy to go back to his fathers house and be a son. So yes he knew the way back home but he also didn’t want to go. Sometimes with mental health, you know what you need to do to get back to “normal” living. Sometimes though what you need to do to get back to living in a healthier and better way, you really have to wonder if it is worth the journey.
A lot of people with mental health are sometimes afraid to get better. I know that doesn’t make sense to a degree but it also does. The darkness kind of becomes comforting. You get so used to it that living without it would feel weird and foreign. When you get to that place, the fear of losing people important to you is real. Sometimes you struggle because you don’t have the energy or the motivation to keep a relationship going but at the same time, you do not want to lose those people. You don't want to lose people because of your mental health disorder but for a lot of people, it’s a very real reality to lose people when you are struggling.
I don’t wanna look you in the eyes, you might call me away.
I don’t wanna give you the chance to make me stay.
And the hardest part of this is,
I know my way back, I don’t want to go
And let you see all that has become of me.
I should’ve known, I should’ve known
I didn’t have a chance.
How cold have I become?
I didn’t want to
Lose you by what I’d done
Caught in the grey.
It burns for a moment. But
But then it numbs you
Takes you and leaves you just
Caught in the grey.
Okay so let’s break these down.
So if I relate this to the prodigal son story, let's look at the line where it says “and the hardest part of this is, I know my way back, I don’t want to go and let you see all that has become of me.” The son knew he needed to go back home. He knew he couldn’t live off eating pig food and trying to survive that way. He knew his way back home. He didn’t really want to do it. He made this whole speech to his father about how he shouldn’t be his son. He was ashamed of what he had done and who he had become.
Mental health wise, what this speaks to me is firstly the person is afraid of being told to leave by that person but at the same time being told to stay when they don’t want to. I can understand this. In my life, there were times when I relapsed in self harm and was so ashamed to tell my people because I was afraid of what they'd say. I was afraid they would tell me they didn’t want anything to do with me anymore but I was also afraid to stay and talk to them about what was happening in my life that caused that reaction.
I didn’t want them to see who I had become because I was ashamed of it. When my mental health is bad, I am more opt to hide from people because sometimes I hate who I become when my mental health struggles.
The idea that you know your way back but don't want to is another idea that I can understand. It’s almost like this idea that your struggles may suck but they are so familiar and comforting that sometimes the idea of not being in the midst of that struggle is hard. So like with self harm, it’s a way to comfort yourself usually and handle your emotions. So the idea of trying to do life without that can be scary and a lot of people don’t want to do life without it until they truly decide to go for recovery.
In your deepest pain,
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night,
You are lovely.
This is the last section of the song I am going to talk about. This is the bridge. I actually have some of these lyrics tattooed on my arm.
So this is a reminder that you are not a burden. You are not too far gone. You are not beyond repair. You are not a lost cause. It’s a reminder that your life is worth it. It’s a reminder that you are an amazing person who can get through things even in the worst situations. It’s a reminder that you are lovely. You are not a burden to have in someone's life. You are someone that people love.
Thank you for reading this first post in this series. I am excited to do more. It will be a mix of secular songs and faith based songs. I hope you enjoy it.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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