Some of you might’ve noticed I’ve been acting a little differently the past couple of months. I thought I would talk about this.
Back in august and September I was neck deep in battling an eating disorder and it felt like a battle I was losing. But then I decided it was time to fight. I was tired of feeling helpless. How did I fight? I fought with the Sword of the Spirit. I put on the full armor of God and went to battle.
Can I tell you how different I’ve felt the past 2ish months? I feel a lot better. I’m not struggling as much with my ED. I’m feeling a lot better about my body. I’m fighting to get healthy by eating better and actually exercising. I’m fighting for a better life. You have to become disgusted with something before you will change it. It took months, but I got tired of it and wanted a change.
I cannot take credit for this change. I can only give credit to God. He has done so much. He had brought people back into my life that I didn’t know I needed. He’s showing me where I belong. He’s showing me who doesn’t need to be in my life. He’s showing me how to be a better person.
God has helped me learn to be a little more confident. I’ve never had confidence. Every time I did, it got shattered. I’m fighting to be confident now. I’m learning to be myself. Even if that means talking your ear off and being a little more outgoing. I am more self assured. I am learning who I truly am. For a while, I thought who I was was based off of what other people think of me. Truthfully I still deal with this sometimes but not as bad as before. I struggle a lot with identity. I can tell you who God says I am in an instant. But actually accepting it is different. I’m working really hard at this one. It’s getting better. I know where my identity comes from, it’s a matter of learning to accept it.
If you knew me in high school or even earlier this year, I am probably a lot different now. God can do so much. This is what fighting can do. When you fight for your life against the enemy, amazing things can happen. I’ve changed a lot recently. I’m learning I love to talk. I’m learning that it’s okay to be who i truly am. I’m learning that just because I have this list of disorders doesn’t mean they get to define me. Only God gets to do that.
I am fighting right now to get healthy. I just came out on the other side of an eating disorder, I need to learn how to be healthy. I am doing this by working on eating more fruits and vegetables but also eating consistently throughout the day. I’m also doing this by going to the gym a couple times a week to get stronger and healthy that way. It’s not about changing the way I look. It’s about changing the way I think about the way I look. My body is a temple and for the first time in my life, I’m finally treating it as one.
If you are battling something right now, lean into God. He will get you through it. I am proof!
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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