So tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary of my mom passing. I was trying to think about what I could write about in relation to that. So I thought I could write about the good and the bad things that have happened this year and things I have accomplished.
1. I reconnected with my godmother this year. Soon after my mom got super sick last year, I started talking to my godmother again. My godmother was my favorite person ever when I was in California. She is still definitely one of my favorite people to this day. I lost contact with her when I was younger because soon after moving, I developed anxiety and that caused my texting anxiety. My anxiety was lying and telling me that my godmother wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore or that she was too busy for me so I really didn’t reach out. We talked every once and a while but not very often. I am so glad we reconnected!
2. I flew on a plane by myself this year. I was terrified of doing this. Yes the excitement of the trip was there, but I was terrified of flying on a plane by myself. For one, I didn’t know how my tics were going to react because I know they have gotten bad on planes before. I didn’t know if I would be able to sit through the flight without freaking out. Well I did. I survived the flights and kinda enjoyed it. I will be on a plane again in February by myself and here’s to hoping it’s just as good.
3. I changed jobs… again. I have never had a job for more than a year since I’ve started working. I am hoping that I will stay at walmart for longer than a year. Here’s to hoping for no more job changes soon.
4. I had my first inpatient stay. I don’t know how my mother would have felt about this. I don’t know if she would’ve been fine with it. If it would’ve freaked her out. The stay was not awful. There were some really cool people there. I came out of it stronger than I went in.
5. I started leading my small group. This one is interesting. I know that God equips the called but sometimes I still struggle with feeling like I am not doing a good job leading or that I’m not meant to be leading my group. But God. God has bigger plans for my life than I will ever be able to see. I am hopefully right where He wants me.
6. My relationship with God has gotten stronger. In 2018, I didn’t lose my faith, but my faith definitely was not super strong like it was. And for a while I struggled with the thought of not having as strong of faith as I did. My life looks different then it used to which means my faith is going to look different. I fought for my faith this time. I fought to get further than I was last time.
7. I had my first surgery. I was terrified to have to have surgery because I didn’t know what it would be like. I was even more terrified to go through it without my mom. My aunt was there and helped me through the whole time. It went smoothly and wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be.
8. I broke up with my fiancé. If you want the full story, we can sit down and talk about it but long story short I finally listened to God’s nudge in my life to not be in a relationship in July. I have been super happy since. Now that doesn’t mean anything against Drew. It just means he was not the person for me and that’s okay and I’ve been praying that he will find the right one for him.
9. I am finally content with my hair. This one is huge. Ever since I started dying and highlighting my hair when I was like 9, I had never been fully content with my hair. I liked what I did for a time and then I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do next, even when I had hair I absolutely loved. I currently love my hair and don’t want to change it. I don’t even really want to grow it out like I usually do after I cut it. I am really loving it right now and is the first time I am truly content with it.
Some of these things were great and some of these were not so great. Life is full of ups and downs and that’s okay. We won’t be happy all the time because happiness is a fleeting emotion but we can feel joy all the time. We can feel the joy of the Lord even when things get really hard.
This year has been a year full of good and of challenges. I wouldn’t take anything from this year back. Do I want to relive this year, absolutely not. But it’s looking forward where I can take what I’ve learned from this year and apply it.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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