I have been living in my apartment for almost 2 weeks. On Tuesday it will be 2 weeks. This has been one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time and I wanted to talk about it.
A lot of you know that living in my dad’s house has been very toxic for me all my life but especially since my mom passed. There was a small incident that made me wonder what will happen if something big happens that causes my brother to go off if something so minuscule and small did (I know what could happen trust me). So I reached out to some resources I have through work and got an apartment 5 days later from reaching out to those resources.
Moving out has been a huge blessing in my life! I have been able to actually relax and not be on edge every time I am home. I finally want to be where I live and not always out to avoid it like before. I feel safer. I feel like some serious growth is going to come out of this.
One thing about my apartment is that it isn’t just a safe place for me, it’s a safe place for my people and I try to make sure they all know that. I wanted to have a space where friends and family could feel like they could come if they needed someone to listen, someone to give advice, a place to get away from bad situations, etc. and that’s what I feel like I have.
Now I haven’t done much with my space yet. I haven’t really decorated but I do have all my current furniture in and that has helped make the space a little more cozy. My goal is to make it a really cozy and inviting environment (let’s go pinterest lol). One thing that my cat (Finn Finn) definitely helps with making the space feel welcoming. He may not jump on your lap and he’ll take a minute to warm up, but next thing you know he’ll be bringing you his shrimp for you to throw and play fetch with him. He’ll rub on your legs and let you pet him. (Finn is currently yelling at me because he dropped shrimp 5 feet away from me and I won’t get up to throw it).
One thing is that I definitely want the Lord to be honored in this place. I want to be able to use this place as a ministry. Now that may look a little different than you think. It means having my friends who also follow Christ come over and us having deep conversations and just digging into God’s word. But it also means having that space and grace for my friends who don’t believe the same thing I do and still showing love, compassion, empathy, etc. It means treating them like a normal human being because, well, we are all just normal human beings. We should not treat someone different based on the things they do or do not believe. I would hate to be treated differently because of my faith and I would hate to be the person treating others for their beliefs. We are called to love others, even the difficult to love, and that is my goal.
One huge thing that I am super proud of myself for is the fact that I have done a really really good job at still communicating with people and not isolating myself. Also, some of you may not understand the significance of this, I have been eating almost every meal (even breakfast and I rarely eat breakfast). I am working on keeping myself accountable and eating even when I don’t feel like it even if it is a banana or apple sauce and eating full meals for dinner. I am not restricting, purging, obsessing, etc. over my food and weight anymore which is huge especially with living by myself. I have vowed that there will not be a scale in my apartment no matter how bad I want one and have people who are keeping me accountable with that.
These past almost 2 weeks have been such a dream. It’s amazing to have a place where you feel safe and that is your own so you get to decide what happens there, what it looks life, who comes over, etc., and not have to take care of other people but yourself.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty at first for moving out. I felt bad for my dad. I gave him a couple days notice and then left as soon as I got the apartment. But I knew that I needed to do what was best for me for once in my life and I am so glad I did. I was always taught to put other people ahead of me. Now it’s time to put myself first and actually take care of myself.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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