This is not going to be an easy topic to read about. It is about suicide. If this is something that triggers you in any way please do not read.
We all know about it. We all know how it is “selfish”. We all know how they are “attention-seekers”. We all know of this s word.
We know all of this but do we actually see the real faces of suicide and suicide attempts and suicidal ideation? I don’t think most people do. I think they have it in their head that everyone who is suicidal is attention seekers and if they do it, they were being selfish.
I am a face of someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and actions. I bet you didn’t see that coming but if you know me and my story you already knew this, I don’t talk about suicide lightly or loosely because I know what its like to be in that headspace and I know what its like to almost lose someone and yourself to it.
Suicide is a taboo topic. People don’t want to talk about it. Some people believe that if we talk about it, more people will commit. If we talked about it more, I bet more people would get help and realize they’re not alone.
When you’re in this headspace, you feel like you are absolutely alone. You feel like you have no-one. You feel like you are a burden to everyone in you circle of family and friends. You feel like everyone would be better off without you.
I can sit here and tell you that that’s not true. But you probably won’t believe me. You won’t believe me if I told you it gets better. I can tell you that I’ve gotten older than 13 and 14 year old Madison who struggle a lot with feeling this way and its gone away. The actively suicidal part of me has gone away. I’m not gonna sit here and lie and say I never get any thoughts. I’m not gonna sit here a lie to you. They’ve gotten better, and sometimes they flare up and are really bad.
For the people who don’t know this, there is a difference between being actively suicidal and suicidal ideation. Being actively suicidal means you want to take your life. It means the urges to do it are strong and if you have the means to do it, you might attempt. It means you are struggling severely and need help. It means they need someone to be there. Suicidal ideation is still getting the thoughts, but not wanting to actively act on them. Its having a thought like “I could run off the road” and not actually going to do it. It’s just a thought that comes into your head.
Some people are more susceptible to these thoughts. People who have depression obviously. But also people who have ptsd, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, etc. It’s easy to think that this is something you will never have to deal with which its true you might not. But you probably will. Whether it be you, your friends, your family, or your children, you will probably encounter this at least one time in your life.
Jesus was even tempted by suicide. When He spent that 40 days in the wilderness, the devil tempted Him. The devil told Him (this is paraphrased) “jump off this high cliff. If you are the son of God, which you say you are, then God’ll save you. He won’t let you even hit your foot on the rocks.”
I don’t know about you, but as someone who has struggled with this for a good portion of their life, this gives me hope. It gives me hope because Jesus. He knows exactly what I feel in those moments. He knows what it feels like to struggle. And He knows what its like to come out stronger then ever by following God and going to God for every feeling and emotion.
We are going through a series at church called “In May Feelings”. One of the main points in it is that if you do not control your emotions, they will control you. This past week was about losing control. I know what you are thinking. Why are you talking about losing control when you want to gain control of your emotions to keep them from controlling you? Excellent question.
We want to lose control by giving the sword to Jesus to slay the dragon. The dragon is the destructive feeling. The dragon fire is anger and rage. The teeth and saliva are things like bitterness, jealousy, and pride. The dragon spikes and scales are greed. The dragon size is depression and anxiety and fear and worry.
I don’t know about you but my dragon sometimes feels really big. It feels like its too much to take and I can try and hit it with my sword, but ultimately I am too weak to fight the dragon on my own. I need to give the sword to God and let Him fight my battle.
Exodus 14:14 say “The Lord Himself will fight for you, Just stay calm.”
God will fight for me? He’s gonna fight these dark and intrusive thoughts and feelings for me? Yes I may still deal with some, but He’s getting the brunt of the fire. God is standing in front of us. He is tall and big. He blocks the stones and fire that get thrown towards us. Sometimes a stone or two gets through and hits us. And that’s okay. We can deal with the stone or two every once in a while, all while God is getting pelleted and burned to save us from dealing with it.
Suicide is a scary topic. You don’t want to think about it yourself but you also don’t want others to be thinking about it. And you may never know if someone is struggling with it if we don’t talk about it.
Hold onto Hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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