Today I Put Normal Clothes On

Today I put normal clothes on. Today I did my hair. Today I said quarantine life is not going to win. You see I decided that the way staying home and not working and dealing with my brother makes me feel, is just that. A feeling. Feelings are good as long as you don’t let them take over.

I have decided that I get to choose how I feel. I get a say in my day to day life what I’m going to feel. That sounds good, right? Well I know with my disorders, picking how I feel doesn’t always work out the way it sounds like it will. I can try and feel one emotion for a while but then it shifts to a different one very quickly and then I’m stuck feeling like I failed and then dealing with an emotion I didn’t want to feel at that time.

Emotions and me don’t get along very well. My emotions are generally fleeting which means I don’t always feel things for a long time. Sometimes its a quick few minute feeling and then there’s somedays where the suckier feelings stick around for a while.

I don’t always have a say in how I’m feeling. I do get to choose what I want to feel. I may not feel what I want to feel but I do know things that can help me feel the way I want to feel. I know things that can get me out of the negative headspace even if it’s just for a few moments. I know things that make me happy and things that make me sad. I know things that bring me joy and things that make my anxiety go higher than an airplane.

Putting on normal clothes and doing hair sounds like really easy things to do. And they are, some days. Some days these super simple, unthought about things are the hardest things to do in the world. It’s important to acknowledge these things in your life so you can say hey I did do something today.

Its easy to go about life without thinking about what you’re doing. I do it too. But sometimes that is a really hard thing to do. Sometimes I do everything with extra thoughts that make it harder to do said thing. These extra thoughts make day to day life hard. But its about not letting them win.

There’s this thing called opposite action. Its part of a type of therapy called DBT or dialectal behavior therapy. It’s used when treating things like borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or even just simple depression. ( I don’t mean that as oh it’s just depression. Depression is real and is something that is hard to deal with and I applaud everyone who deals with it on a daily basis. I see you. You’ve got this.)

The basis of it is doing things you don’t want to do in healthy ways. So if you don’t want to get out of bed that day, it’s getting out of bed and moving to the couch. It’s putting real clothes on when its the last thing you want to do. Its eating something healthy so you get nutrients when eating is something you definitely don’t want to do. It’s an easy but hard concept to grasp.

I’m not telling you this and saying you need to get yourself in gear and be the most productive person you have ever been. I’m saying on those days its extra hard, doing these little opposite action things can make you feel like you accomplished something.

Getting out of bed can be hard. Putting real clothes on can be hard. Doing your hair can be hard. Eating can be hard. Taking the dog out can be hard. And that’s okay. Its okay that there is hard things in your life. Maybe you are having a really tough time right now because of the stay at home order.

Nobody said you have to be productive during this time. Nobody said you have to do all these home projects. You can sit on your couch eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate while watching Disney movies. You can be binge watching your favorite shows. You can just use thing time to catch up with loved ones. You can use this time to recharge. You can use this time for self care. There is so many things you can be using this time for. Make this time how you want to spend this time.

Madison Rae <3