About a year and a half ago, I made a blog post called “Unhealthy Relationship With Food”. In this blog post I talked about how I used to struggle a lot with food. I would struggle with if I was going to eat or if I was going to keep it down. It was a huge struggle in my life. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you I don’t still struggle some days because I do. My brain is wired in self destructive ways that I’ve been slowly working on changing for a couple years through therapy and through God.
This struggle consumed my life. It was a huge struggle. It is one I would never wish on anyone but I know so many other people deal with it.
Well, after I started resisting the temptations to engage in that behavior around food, I got put on meds that increased appetite and weight gain was a big and prominent side effect of them. I’m not talking 10-15 pounds. I’m talking 100 pounds. Am I being serious? Yes, very.
I was 130 pound when I started these meds. I was at my happiest with my weight and wasn’t engaging in unhealthy behaviors around food. I was working on loving and accepting my body. It was a long journey to even get there and to not stay there, devastated me.
The first med I was put on, I gained probably 20 pounds within the first couple of months. That was hard. Part of the problem was I didn’t want healthy snacks and things to eat. I wanted very unhealthy things. And that is partly my doing, I should have tried to eat healthier, but a lot of it was cravings from my med.
About a year later of being on this med, I was switched to a different med. While this was a life saver in the way of my tics, it was a life destroyer with my weight. I went from about 170 to 250 through the years I was on it. The numbers wouldn’t quit going up, even when I tried to be healthy. I didn’t know what I was doing other than it being a side effect of the med.
This really messed with me. I had worked for a while to not give into the not eating or the not keeping down and now I was at the heaviest weight I was in my life and the most unhappy. On top of that, my mom went downhill very fast. I wanted control. I craved control. But what I didn’t do, was go back to old habits. I stayed strong and resisted the urges.
I slowly started snacking less and less. I tried to eat healthier options. I started working out a little more. Then mom passed away. I was very upset and again at a point where life was hard and going back to old habits was very enticing. But with the help of God, I didn’t and I haven’t still.
I am now down to 226 pounds and this is a huge accomplishment. Its the first time in my life that I have lost weight in a healthy manner. Its the first time I have worked hard for it and in healthy ways instead of in unhealthy and destructive ways. Y’all I don’t know if you know how amazing this is.
I’m not out of grips of my struggles with food and eating. Maybe one day I will, but for now I’m now. I still struggle with the thoughts and urges daily and its been years since I’ve actively acted on them. And you know what, that’s okay. Its a way for the devil to keep his grip on me and I’m saying no more. I will win because I have God and God is greater.
God is greater than disordered eating. God is greater than any unhealthy habits we have. God is greater y’all. And it’s time we remember that. In this time of trials, we need to remember that God is greater than this virus going on. God has the world in His hands. He is greater.
Yes, I am actively trying to lose weight. But I am not actively engaging in maladaptive ways of reaching this and I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of my body and I’m proud of myself. When something held a tight grip to you for years, and you are beating it, it feels amazing. It feels amazing because I have been working on body acceptance. And its been a hard journey and I’m not saying losing weight is the way to reach that. But what I am saying is accepting your body for what it is is key. And trying to keep it healthy is really important.
I’m not losing weight because I’m unhappy with my body. I’m losing weight to get healthy because I know where I’m at is not a healthy place for my size. I want to get healthy. I want to get healthy so I have a better life. I want to get healthy because maybe that will help with some of my physical problems like all my pain. I want to get healthy for me.
Drew is such a blessing in this area of my life. He met me and we went to prom my sophomore year and I was at the healthy weight of 130. Then I slowly gained weight from there. Drew has never said one thing about it. This October will be 3 years together and He has never made me feel less then because of my weight or like a burden or worthless or unlovable because of my weight. He always jokes and talks about how I could be a model because I’m so beautiful. I’m writing this and about to cry because he doesn’t see the weight I’ve gained. He doesn’t see the imperfections of my body that I see. He sees it all as beautiful. And that is crazy to me. I’ve spent my life trying to run away from my body because I hated the way it looked and he sees me as beautiful.
But Drew is not the only one who sees me as beautiful, God sees me as beautiful. And that blows my mind as well. But I am His creation. I was made in His image. He knit me together.
Here’s the thing. I’m not obligated to lose weight. Yes it’s nice but I am beautiful as I am and while some days I have trouble believing that, I know it’s true. And that’s what matters most. And maybe it has taken me almost 10 years to realize that even though people have told me that for years, but I know it now and that’s all that matters.
I’m gonna end this jumbled post here.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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