Here are some updates about my story that I didn’t put in my story.
A, S, and C are all still in my life. I help c at the church whenever I can and see her on the weekends. I see A usually at main service each week and if not, I see her at 1824 or when I go in to help C. S is in my small group so I usually always see her every week at small group. These are three of the core people in my support system than I am so glad to still have. I am so glad that I feel like I can text them (when my texting anxiety let’s me) when I need support or just want to talk.
About my disordered eating. Like I said, I have not purposely purged since my 16th birthday. I did struggle a little bit with not eating after that but it did not long. I have not purposely skipped a meal in a very long time. Usually if I don’t eat when I’m hungry, I eat as soon as I can. Example it was 7:30 the other day when I realized I was super hungry. I had eaten at 11 that day and then got distracted by going over to Drews, getting a new desk, helping C, putting new desk and bookshelf together and by the time that I realized I was hungry, I was heading to small group. If I really would’ve stopped and realized how not well I truly was in the past, I feel like I might’ve actually gotten help but at the same time, whenever I would bring it up at Riley, they never really said or did anything.
About small group. I have been in this small group since I came back to the church in September of 2018. I have gotten to really know the people in there and have built really amazing relationships. In the past few months, I have really found my voice and I feel confident enough in my abilities to lead my small group. (Also if you are in the 18-24 age group and live in the Greenwood area or close around and would drive to Greenwood, I would love to have you in my small group!)
I did not talk about Holly or the cats. If you don’t know, Holly is my emotional support animal. I bring her places like 1824 because my tics are usually pretty bad and I need a little bit of emotional support. She is huge when I have bad tic days as she stays by my side and does little things to try and help like putting her paws on my legs when I start stomping or shaking them. My cats are very much emotional support animals too. Before I had Holly, I had 8 cats that gave me love. This definitely helped but not to the same level of Holly.
My relationship with my dad. We have a really good relationship now. When I was younger, most of my relationships were pretty rocky, especially with my parents. My dad and I’s relationship is the strongest right now it has ever been. We have a really good relationship and I hope that it stays.
In January, I did not fight the hospitalization. I knew I needed help because I was at a very low point. No one was listening to me at that point. And I knew if I didn’t get help, something bad could have happened. I was not actively suicidal. My suicidal ideation had gotten to a level it hadn’t been at since i was 14 that month and the month before. It was not a good time. You could tell in the way I presented myself and talked.
The summer after my senior year. I will not really talk about details of that time because part of my doesn’t really remember but also because some of it I’m not ready to talk about. I left the church and didn’t really care. And that’s how you knew I was bad because the church had been my home for years. The people there was my support and my safe place and I just left. I just found out that they actually noticed I was gone. For the longest time I didn’t think anyone noticed. I also found out that they were very concerned about me my senior year (probably one of the hardest years of my life) and didn’t know what to do. All they knew to do was love me. And I greatly appreciate that still now. These people, like C, S, and A, were really there for me that year. I also don’t think I was completely honest about what was going on at that time. I don’t think anyone knew how much I was truly struggling.
My senior year was most likely the hardest year of my life. I pushed a lot of people away. I stopped really turning to God. I didn’t care as much. My mental illness really took over that year, specifically the second semester and the summer after. I really lost myself. And while I’m still trying to forgive myself for it because for the longest time I was really angry at myself, I was the one who decided to go back to the church. I was the one who said enough was enough and went back to the place where I knew I could find me. I found myself again when I went back to God and He saved me from myself. Soon after going back to the church, my life went back to pretty normal. I went back to being the more familiar Madison that everyone knew. I was no longer the person even I didn’t recognize.
I have talked a little about some of this stuff to people like A, S, and C but there’s stuff they didn’t even know. The last time I told my story was in 2015 to S and so much has either happened or came back up since then. My story has really evolved and even though it was really hard to go through, I just hope I can help draw even just one person closer to God. I have never talked about some of this stuff in this capacity and truthfully it scares me. And as I’ve been reflecting on my journey since I wrote this, it saddens me. It breaks my heart how broken I was because in the moments I knew I was broken, I knew I was unwell, but it took me stepping back and looking at it as a whole to really see it.
About my relationship with Drew. I was with Drew for about 2 and a half years. This may come as a shock for some of you but I broke up with Drew last week. This was 100% my decision (well kinda, God played a huge role in it). I loved and still love Drew with all my heart but I felt like God was calling me away from the relationship. I was wrestling with it back in December and dismissed it because I wanted the relationship to work and I was scared of life without it. It came back up a few weeks ago. My eyes were really opened to the relationship and how it was not the best relationship for me to be in. I talked to people about it, I prayed about it, and I just felt like God was calling me away from that relationship and that’s okay. God has something greater planned for me and I am excited to see what it is.
I am doing really well right now. I won’t lie and tell you that everything is all peaches and roses because it’s not. God and other amazing people on my side. I have people who will help me fight my battles. And I have a God who fights the majority of my battles. My faith is the strongest it has ever been. I have true joy and happiness right now. For once in a very long time, I am actually doing well.
If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask me. Like I said, there is some stuff I am not ready to really talk about and so I will not talk about them and I will assert my boundary when it comes to that. I will be honest and open. I have nothing to hide. All I have is a story to bring God the glory and that’s all I want to do.
Stay strong and hold onto hope.
Madison Rae <3
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