I thought this would be something I should talk about. It’s why am I so honest about my journey with my faith and mental health.
I am so honest about my journeys because I want to show real life. I want to show people what someone who struggles with mental health but has strong faith looks like. I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles. I want people to know that walking with God isn’t always a straight line through a sunny flower garden. Sometimes it’s walking through the dark, cold, rainy valley’s with a very very small light that you are going towards.
I was taught growing up to be honest. Sometimes that gets me in trouble. Sometimes I am too honest and open. Some people say that I have a tendency to overshare. Which I understand but because I am so open about my life, I don’t really know where to draw that line. Like yes there are things I don’t talk about or I do only to some people. Or maybe I give the general basis of it but don’t talk in depth on the internet or with most people.
I want people to know that they are not alone. Mental health is a liar. It can 100% make you feel like you are all alone and I promise you that you are not. Not only do you have God by your side, but there are also other people like you out there even if it doesn’t feel like it.
It took about a year until I met another person with BPD. That year I knew I wasn’t alone but it really felt like I was because no one could understand me to the level I needed and I felt like I had to watch what I said so it wasn’t taken the wrong way. I felt like I was too much for people because I feel all these emotions so intensely and most people don’t feel them the same. I felt like a burden. And if I can help stop one person from feeling like that, I hands down will, which is one reason I will always be honest about my mental health.
I am honest about my faith journey because sometimes it's portrayed that once you become a follower of God, your life becomes peaches and rainbows, which I can absolutely tell you is false. My life is far from that. My life is full of challenges and trials. But as a christian we are called to go through these challenges. We are told that we will be persecuted. We are told that we will walk through fire. But most importantly we are told that we will not walk through it alone.
God is good. God has always been good even when the circumstances have been less than desirable. Even when you can’t see it, He is good. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, God is good. That’s a promise and a truth that you need to hold onto. You need to hold onto the promises that God gives us.
My faith journey has not been a straight path. It first started on rocky ground when I was angry with God and couldn’t understand why the things that were happening in my life were happening. Then the honeymoon period. I feel head over heels in love with God. Reading my bible daily. Bible journaling. Praying. Always talking about how good He was. Then that started to come to an end after a couple years. After that I completely left the church with no intentions of coming back. I felt like I was abandoned. I felt like God didn’t care. I felt like no one there would have cared if I never showed up again.
You know what happened after those 2-3 months? I was so far away from who I was that I knew there was only one place I could go to start getting better and that was back to church and back to God. Then the real relationship started I guess you can say. One with more fear of God but more love for Him than anything. I learned that my life without God was going to end badly. I don’t think I could survive without God and when I try is when things get bad.
My faith journey has not been an easy one. I’m at a spot now where I am mentoring other christians as a small group leader. I am pouring into the lives of my friends. I am allowing myself to be poured into by amazing leaders at my church and my friends.
I do not practice a religion. I have a relationship and that is key. Religion has so many rules to follow. Religion is a lot of legalism. This relationship I have is like one I’d have with a leader, a parent, or a friend. I can go and talk to God. I can go and have coffee dates with Jesus. I can go and just sit in His presence. This is the kind of relationship I have wanted for years.
I am getting off topic but when I used to bible journal, I felt like it had to look a certain way. I felt like it needed to look like everyone else’s bibles or it didn’t count. Some people used acrylic paint in their bibles so I started to. Letter stamps and stickers, did that too. But what I have found that fills my cup the most is just sitting and reading the bible while taking simple notes. No paint. No stickers. Maybe sticky notes. A pen, highlighters, and my bible is all I need. Heck I don’t even need the highlighters and pen. Just sitting in God’s presence is key.
I talk about my journeys so that people can see what real life looks like for someone else. My life is complicated but I am sure yours is too. Our lives may not look similar but I am sure that there’s things we both can relate on. I am sure that we can still speak into each other's lives. I know that we can help educate the other on things that we go through. I am an expert on my life and what I deal with and at the same time you are an expert on your life and what you go through.
Life isn’t easy at all. Sometimes life is easier when you have someone who understands you. Sometimes life is easier when you walk through life with people who get you on a level that not everyone does. That is why I am honest. Maybe someone is walking through and dealing with bipolar, BPD, or anxiety. Maybe someone is walking through a season of life where they feel like they are in a valley and God is far away. I can relate because I understand all too well.
If you deal with any of these things, me too. I know what you are going through. You are not alone at all. There are people who know what you are going through. There are people who have been where you are at. And maybe I’m one of those people.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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