So I just found out that May is not only mental health awareness month but is also borderline personality disorder awareness month. If I would have found this out sooner, I would’ve written about it before now.
Some of you may know and some of you may not know but I have borderline personality disorder. Mine classifies under the quiet BPD category which is why it took so long to be diagnosed and why it seems like I am more “normal” than what the world perceives people with BPD to be.
There is a huge stigma around bpd. To the world we are manipulative, attention seekers, crazy, too much, etc.. This is not how it really is, it is just how we are perceived.
BPD is the most stigmatized mental health disorder to the point that there are therapists and other professionals that will not work with patients with bpd. In some cases, they are not given the care they need because they are an “attention seeker.” The type of care in emergency rooms when it comes to suicidal ideation or attempts is taken differently if the person has bpd. Sometimes they are given less care and are more prone to the nurses and doctors making comments about them that are not great. *I personally have not experienced this. But I have heard plenty of stories of people who have.*
Bpd impacts your entire life even if it doesn't seem like it does or would. Any mental illness can impact someone's whole life. Relationships are one of the biggest areas where this is impacted. People with bpd usually have a history of unstable relationships, whether family, friends, or intimate.
The biggest area that people with bpd are impacted are their emotions. It is said that someone with bpd has the same emotional skin as someone who has third degree burns. This means that any little thing can send that person into any emotion. Also emotions switch. A LOT.
Mood swings are a common thing in bpd. It’s one of the main characteristics. This is one of the worst parts in my opinion. You can go from happy to angry over literally nothing in minutes. You just become angry and that's the lens you are viewing everything through. And then next thing you know you will be breaking down crying because everything is falling apart and everyone is going to leave you.
You push away the people who mean the most to you because the fear of abandonment is so strong and you would rather leave then before you can leave you. Or maybe you cling really really tight to them. You feel like you can’t go through anything without them. You are so scared that they are going to leave that you need that constant reminder from them that they are still in your life.
You are given a situation and you know what you should do but you still have to double check with someone in order to make sure you are making the right decision even though you know it's the right decision just to make sure you don’t do something wrong. This one might not make sense but this one is huge in my life. I am always checking with at least one person that I am making the right decision and when I am told that I can make the decision myself because I have good discretion and know what needs to happen, I freak out a little at the idea that I’m not gonna make the right decision and get in trouble.
You do everything you can to stay out of trouble because you feel like if you get in trouble with someone, you are going to lose everything. You are scared that you will lose your job and relationships if you make a tiny mistake so you need constant reassurance that you are doing the right thing and not something that will get you in trouble.
You mirror people. This concept may not make sense. People with bpd don't always have a sense of self. When this happens they mirror the people they are with or with the most. They start acting and taking on the same personality of who they are with.
You feel intense anger and rage. This can come out of nowhere and anyone or thing in your path is not safe. You’re done. You are fed up. You can’t handle it anymore. You take your anger out on the people you love the most.
Most people with bpd battle with self harm or suicidal ideation and tendencies. These feelings can come out of nowhere. You can be having a perfectly good day yet still your brain still goes where you don’t want it to. It goes to that dark place that is hard to dig yourself out of. You try your hardest not to go back to these things, but they are comfort and things you know well.
This is the number one area that people with bpd are called attention seekers and manipulative. Some people with bpd genuinely become suicidal with the idea of abandonment. When they reach out for help and someone finds out why, a lot of the times they are told they are just trying to get attention or manipulate someone. As someone with bpd in this situation, this is the only thing that makes sense. This is the only way to feel better or to keep going without being a burden to someone.
People with bpd are great at self sabotaging. You do things that you know you shouldn't do or don't want to do because you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy or you don’t know how to be content with your life when things are going well so you have to create some chaos in order for it to be okay. This is where people will ruin friendships. This is where people will start doing things to get themselves fired or in trouble.
One thing that I do not talk about is the idea that people with bpd may not actually know their true personality. This kinda goes with the idea of mirroring. When we are around certain people, we may try and have the same energy and personality of them in order to make them like us and feel like we kinda belong. When we are by ourselves, we are one way but we can still be shifting through emotions which causes us to not really know who we really are. Sense of self is a concept that you deal with with bpd.
Sense of identity is a big one that I struggle with. (Hello the past 3 weeks with a huge identity crisis in the beginning because I couldn’t make a concept of who I was at all.) The best way for me to describe this is I can tell you what other people say of me or who God says I am, but taking it on as my real identity and accepting it is two different things. This is where I was having trouble because I know what the world says about me, I know what my family says about me, I know what my friend says about me, and I know what God says about me, but I do not know what the truth is and what I say about me. Some days I do really well and can explain that I know I am caring, empathetic, and compassionate and some days my mind is so clouded I can’t even think of those.
Now bpd is not all bad even though it may seem like it. Yes we feel that bad emotions intensely but that also means that we feel like the good emotions intensely. We love with our whole heart. When we are happy, we are ecstatic and on top of the world. When we are friends with someone, we are loyal to the end. When we care about people, those people know through our words and our actions. We care about people so much. We understand things on a different level than most people.
People with bpd get a bad rap, but have you ever truly met and gotten to know someone with it? It may be hard. I’m not telling you it won’t be because I personally know I struggle with relationships whether it seems like it or not. Relationships are impacted by bpd immensely but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. There will be bumps in the road (probably a lot of them), but it will be worth it.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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