I’ve come to a realization the last couple of weeks. I need to stop living my life to please other people and live my life to please me and to please God. I have been afraid to share a few things because of what people would think but I shouldn’t be afraid of what people think because that doesn’t matter. What people think about me and my life does not matter one bit.
Yes I want to live a life pleasing to God and a life where people can tell that I am different in a good way. In a way that they see God’s light in me. But I can do that with different colored hair and tattoos.
A couple weeks ago I got new tattoos. I got a Disney charm bracelet and a tattoo that says warrior. I fell in love with the idea of a Disney charm bracelet when I saw it on Pinterest. It’s perfect because it is a permanent piece of jewelry that I love and I have a little more room on if I want to add more charms.
The tattoo that says warrior is very very important to me. I have been trying for a while to figure out what I wanted over my last self harm scars on my arm. They were really bugging me and I needed to cover them up for me. As a way to say this is in the past. I am not doing this anymore I am stronger.
Demi Lovato has a song called “Warrior”. That’s kind of where I got my inspiration because I really relate to the song. Lyrics like “all the pain and the truth I wear like a battle wound,” “I was broken and bruised,” “I’m stronger than I’ve ever been,” “I'm a survivor in more ways then you know,” and “Now I’m taking back my life today.” These lyrics and the song in general mean a lot to me. On the Neon Lights Tour in 2014, Demi sang this song and I just cried.
I was in the height of my issues. I was suicidal. I was self harming. I was barely eating and if I did eat there was a good chance I would purge. I was getting bullied at school. I just couldn’t do it anymore but hearing this song made me feel like maybe I can go a little longer. I have gone a lot longer, not without trials and issues, but I am still very much here and alive.
Warrior is now covering my scars. Its a reminder of a battle I won. Yes it is still a battle when I get bad to not go back to it but for now the battle is won. And I won it. It’s saying I am stronger than this. I don’t need to go back to this way. I know healthier ways. I’ve gone more than a year without it. I can keep going. I can beat my record.
(also as I was typing that last paragraph, Warrior by Demi came on. Perfect timing!)
There’s some things in my life that not a lot of people know about. I am not completely ready to talk about yet. I am still healing even though they happened years ago. And that’s okay. That’s a battle and I am a warrior for fighting. I am a warrior. I am stronger than my past. I am stronger than the things people did to me. I am stronger. I am a warrior.
Another thing that I thought I would get a lot of backlash over, which included the tattoos, was me changing my hair to pink. If you know me, you know I had pinkish purple hair in 2016. I absolutely loved it and regretted changing it from it. Now I have pink hair again and I love it. I need to do what feels most like me and if that means unnatural hair color and tattoos, that means unnatural hair color and tattoos.
I am tired of living my life for other people. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t constantly worry about what people are going to say about my choices. I can’t constantly worry if someone is going to like something I did or not. Honestly I’ve worked really hard on myself lately and while I do still care, I'm working really hard on being who I am, not who everyone else wants.
A lot of people want me to go to college and right now that is just not in my path. And that’s okay. I need to do what’s best for me. Some people wanted me to stop dying my hair. Some people wanted me to stop getting tattoos. They want me to do this. They want me to do that.
I’ve come to realize that my life is not worth living if I live it for other people. My life is only worth living truly if I live it for God and honestly I don’t think He cares if I have tattoos or unnatural hair color because it’s not a sin and it’s not harmful to me or anyone else and I can still very much talk about God and live my life for Him with those things. There’s nothing wrong with them.
My life is mine but it is also God’s so as long as I live it in a God honoring way and not in a harmful and destructive ways, I think I’m good. My life used to be very harmful and destructive when I was in the midst of self harming, disordered eating patterns, and being suicidal. My life is not destructive just by having pink hair and tattoos.
I’m going to say this in the nicest way possible but if you do not have something nice to say to me, don’t say it. Keep it to yourself. If you don’t like my hair, that’s fine. If you don’t like my tattoos, that’s fine too. But I don’t need to hear about it. If you think I’m not treating my body as a temple because of it, I don’t want to hear about that either.
I am learning who I am. I am learning who God says I am. I am living my life in a way that is pleasing to both me and God and if it’s not pleasing to you, that’s okay. I’m not trying to please you any way. I am learning to love myself and if that means pink hair and tattoos, that means pink hair and tattoos and that’s okay because all that matters to me is A) who God says I am, B) I am living a life pleasing to God, C) I am learning to love myself for who I am and living my life my way for me not for anyone else on earth.
Thank you for making it this far if you read the whole thing.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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