Dear younger self,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you had to go through all of the things you had to go through.
I am sorry about all the things you had to see.
I am sorry about the trauma that has shaped who we are.
I am sorry no one protected you when you were younger.
I am sorry that people didn’t know what was going on.
I am sorry that you didn’t have a say on what happened.
I am sorry you got pushed around.
I am sorry you got abused.
I am sorry you got taken advantage of.
I am sorry people walked all over you.
I am sorry that people have said horrible things to you.
I am sorry that no one validated you when you were going through hard things.
I am sorry it felt like you had no one.
I am sorry you felt like you didn’t have a voice.
I am sorry you felt like you couldn’t speak up.
I am sorry that when you did speak up you got silenced.
I am sorry things got worse when you stood up for yourself.
I am sorry for the violence you had to witness.
I am sorry for abusing you myself.
I am sorry that you had to grow up so fast.
I am sorry that I never listened to you when you were screaming to be seen.
I am sorry for inflicting more pain on you.
I am sorry that I couldn’t get the pain to stop earlier than it did.
I am sorry for what you had to endure just to keep going.
I am proud of you for staying even when you didn’t want to stay.
I am proud of you for fighting for your life.
I am proud of you for enduring this all.
I am proud of you for trying to keep going even when things got hard.
I am proud of you for still being alive.
Girl you wouldn’t believe all that has happened this year.
You moved out. You got away from the #1 person who caused you pain. You now get to decide when they are in your life and when you talk to them. You are not forced to be around them daily. You no longer get called 15 different names a day for not speaking in the right tone or something for them.
You found your voice. You got your voice back. It may have taken 11 years since it really felt like you lost your voice but you have it back. You love to talk and to make people laugh. You love talking about your past and more to help other people. You want to help give a voice to the people who may feel like they have lost yours.
You are happy. I know that’s hard to believe with all that you have been through but you are truly happy in life. It may have taken 12 years and required you to go through 1 huge break up, ten tons of fights and arguments, bullying, and more but you did it. You finally really see the light at the end of the tunnel. You see a rainbow in the rain.
You have 13 tattoos. I know I know. We said we would never in our life get a tattoo well that definitely changed and you love getting tattoos and they all have some kind of meaning to you making them special. They help make you feel good about yourself.
Your mom passes away when you are 19. This is hard and you did struggle with it for a while but a lot of good has come out of this. A lot of growth has happened that probably wouldn’t have happened yet if she was still here. You miss her dearly but you also know she in a way was holding you back and making you worse. I know you don’t see it now, but things will come to the light and you will see a lot of stuff that happened that you didn’t realize happened.
You are learning to love your body. It’s taken a while but you are starting to truly accept and love your body for what it is. You are thankful it’s kept you alive and going. You are learning to love your curves and imperfections. It’s a work in progress but you are getting somewhere.
You grow. A LOT. There’s growth in areas that you never knew you could grow in. You are a leader at work with hopes of growing in the company. (You work at Target. Dream come true, right?) You are learning communication skills and are doing amazing at communicating when things need to be talked about or when things come up that need to be addressed. You are training people in your area at work and are growing your leadership skills so much. You have grown so much in just a year, it’s exciting.
You lose friends but you gain even better ones. It’s hard to lose friends, I know, especially with your fear of abandonment. But you get through it and are so thankful for those who stay in your life, or the ones that leave and then come back. Some people leave and never come back. Some people never leave. You are grateful for this all.
You’re 21 now and so much has happened. Life is still going even if you want it to stop at 14. It’s been 7 years and it may have taken all 7 years but you are thriving and doing an amazing job.
Younger self, I’m sorry about the pain you went through but your pain will be used to help other people. It will have been worth it.
Dear younger self,
Thank you for surviving and doing the best you can.
Sincerely,
Your 21 year old self.
Hold onto hope and stay strong.
Madison Rae <3
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